Welcome, welcome! Excited for your big day? I get it, you’re a bit nervous - aren’t we all? But there’s no need to worry, kid, just stick with me and I’ll teach you everything you need to know about the recruitment game.
Sal’s got your back, listen, follow these tips and there’s no way you’ll go astray.
The white shirt and black slacks is all well and good for an accountant’s office, but here at Mountebank Recruitment, we’ve got style. There’s a strict dress-code. Dress for the job you want, which means copying everything the Big Boss does.
I’m talking pin-striped suits, pointed brown leather shoes, and a whole heaping of Ponzi Pomade to slick that hair of yours back. If it don’t look like you just stepped out of the shower, you ain’t using enough.
I know what you’re thinking: obvious. But you’d be surprised how many people don’t have the common sense to know feedback takes time, and time is money. Feedback’s for chumps, right? If they’re not asking, don’t give. And if they are asking, there’s no need to go through the rigmarole of contacting their interviewer.
Give them the all-clear. Butter their sweet, innocent faces up. Tell them they couldn’t have done anything better, then ghost them the second things get dirty.
Make sure you’re writing this down, this is gold. Just grade-A genius stuff.
They’re hiring you for a reason, right? Whatever they want, can it. You’ve got more to worry about than ‘culture fit’ or ‘having the right tech stack’. Like I said, times is moneys. If you can’t get the job done in a week, then kid, it’s safe to say you just ain’t cut out for it.
You’re getting them a job, they should be grateful. Sure, it’s a candidate-short market, but they’re never gonna find anything better on their own. Just shoe-horn ‘em: as long as they get through rebate, who cares what happens.
We’re a one-and-done kinda company, kid, so it don’t matter if you burn through your contacts like a lit cigarette in a recycling bin. Just get us that money, yeah?
If you don’t got a good handshake, you don’t got a good deal. Everything closes when you go palm to palm with the guy, locking eyes in a very manly manner. So what’re Uncle Sal’s tips for the best handwag you’ve ever seen? Easy.
Pocket-warmers.
Nobody likes a cold handshake, so keep ‘em warm. Clammy, even, for that long-lasting memory. Keep your hands in your pockets until the second you get through their office door. You’ll thank me later.
Alright, I see you nodding, you’re catching on! Why don’t we want to sit on the phone for an hour explaining the job in more detail to a candidate when the basic job spec is right there? That’s right, say it with me:
Time is money! Attaboy.
The worst thing you can do is give them details. With nothing more to go on than the tech stack and vague information about the company, your chump– ahem, I mean candidate – is only going to have their imagination to work with. It’ll run wild. Create a life, benefits, a great working culture, all while you sit back in your Premium Real Leather™ desk chair.
Hope that helped, kid, ‘cause I gotta bounce. I heard some rumblings about an audit, and I gotta get myself to Cancun.
